Summer sports. You can’t get away from them – once the World Cup gets underway, there’s tennis, the Tour de France, cricket and golf. So, there’s plenty to keep us all sweating on the sofa with a few cold beers.
And am I going to be joining in, cheering on my favourite cyclist, tennis player or footballer? What do you think? The only reason I would even flick over to any sport with my remote would be to admire the stunning physique of an athletic man.
So in the shallow, non-sporting tradition of these pages, I have penned my guide to sportsmen and how their particular sport could affect their prowess in the bedroom department. Please note that for this guide, absolutely no research was carried out; it is based purely on my warped imagination.
Best positions: Standing up and thrusting you against the wall.
Areas of strength: Fantastic stamina – could go on for at least 90 minutes if you have water and orange segments for half-time.
Worst positions: Footballers are known to get dodgy arthritic knees when they finally hang up their boots, so probably best to avoid anything involving kneeling, such as doggy style.
Most likely to say: “Ooh – can we move, love, my knees have seized up” and “He shoots and he scores!”
Best positions: Anything requiring good arm strength – if he’s particularly adventurous, then not try the ‘wheelbarrow,’ involving him holding up your legs while you do a virtual headstand to allow him entry from behind? He may also have more patience and stamina for finger stimulation.
Areas of strength: Stamina – all those extended games will build him up – and upper body/arm strength.
Worst positions: While he is good at lifting, there is a risk of overdoing it, so if you ‘wheelbarrow’ too much, he may suddenly drop your legs out of exhaustion.
Most likely to say: “My ball was in! You cannot be serious!” and “It’s Love all!”
Best positions: Preferably somewhere you can admire their amazingly tight buns. Knees are generally in good condition, so doggy style would work, but in a way that allows you to reach behind to feel his rear.
Areas of strength: Stamina, very strong leg and thigh muscles (quadriceps), so all the better for sitting on or grabbing.
Worst positions: With all the legwork, it’s uncertain how strong cyclists’ upper bodies will be, so maybe best to avoid him carrying you upstairs or across any thresholds, or dragging you along the bed caveman style.
Most likely to say: “This is an uphill struggle!” and “Come on, come on, just a little further, sweetheart!”
Best positions: Anything involving being struck with a flat-ended object – so a riding crop or hairbrush may come in handy for a touch of spanking. You could even bring in some ‘runs’ by allowing him to chase you around the bedroom before he ‘catches’ you.
Areas of strength: Running short distances, hitting things with a bat and polishing balls on his trousers.
Worst positions: Anything that requires stamina and doesn’t involve stopping for tea halfway through proceedings.
Most likely to say: “That’s a sticky wicket, darling!” and “Is that my box or yours?”
Best positions: More whiplashes here, but with his swing action, you may be able to start with some fifties-style rock’n’roll dancing . Also, being a golfer, he could probably go for a bit of a walk first.
Areas of strength: Strong shoulders and upper body and a high level of patience, so he probably won’t complain if you spend half an hour ‘freshening up’ in the bathroom before you start.
Worst positions: His muscular strength probably isn’t as good as the other sports guys so he may have trouble carrying or lifting you.
Most likely to say: “My God, it’s a hole in one!” and “Let’s try not to get it stuck in a bunker this time.”
So, study well, readers, just in case you run into one of the above professionals on a night out and are not sure what to do with him, if you get lucky. This guide could be printed, folded neatly and carried in your handbag, just in case…