I write this letter, because in speech I am often inarticulate and clumsy, or the words fail to make the journey from my brain to my mouth.
Don’t worry – this is not to bare you bad news. This is not a ‘dear John’ letter – quite the opposite.
I just wanted to say that I don’t know what has happened to me since I met you. Before you appeared in my life I was cynical, jaded and had all but given up hope of ever finding someone to enjoy, to make me feel whole, with whom I could have fun, share passion or even just watch TV.
I had just about had enough of the ill-matched dates, the nice-but-not-quite rights, the downright unsuitable and those I liked who wanted better. You were my last ditch attempt and I was sure you were out of my league, so I entered the whole thing half-heartedly.
But whatever spell has been cast has been potent with lasting effects. We met as total strangers, without even the usual exchange of emails or phone calls. I was a bag of nerves as I got off the train, waiting to see that flash of disappointment in your face, as you caught sight of me. I could not even give eye contact, as I spotted you and walked towards you.
But your smile and your “don’t worry, I won’t bite” were enough to allow me to exhale. From then on, the climb became a level stroll and the two hours we planned to spend together became eight. And the only time I checked my watch was when you took me back to the station. For the whole day we had drifted into our own time bubble, we talked and talked and kissed, held hands and the stranger became the only person I even noticed.
It has been a few weeks now and still I think about you whenever I can. I don’t feel I deserve your affections when I am guilty of so many misdemeanours. Maybe you will find out more about me and change your mind. Maybe I should enjoy it while it lasts.
At least if it all ends tomorrow, I can thank you for showing me someone cared for and believed in me one more time, that someone kind, caring, sexy and beautiful gave me a chance, took me back to a place I haven’t visited in many years. You have made me feel like I matter, that I am not just someone who cooks, cleans, works, advances to middle age and solitude… And I know you have loved and lost, but if you hadn’t I wouldn’t have you now and your open, generous heart. I will give you mine and more, if you stick around and see beyond my flaws.
Here’s to hoping this does not end.