Now you tell me!

Now you tell me, after five years of waiting and hoping, five years which made me question everything. Five years of hurt, self-doubt, endless tears and heart ache.

I gave you my body, my heart, my soul. I sacrificed time with friends, time with my kids, time for me. I looked deep into your eyes for even a speck of the love I craved, but it never came.

For years I waited, hoped, wished, but it never came. “Forget him, move on, find someone who really cares,” inner and outer voices told me. But no, I carried on hoping; feeling that nothing, no one, could match up to you and the feelings you ignited in me.

You were my world and every decision I made – what I said, wrote, planned, dreamed – was for you or because of you. I was utterly, hopelessly under your spell.

Yet still, you were indifferent. You left it to me to contact you, you never even told me you liked me, or held my hand in the street, never called me your lover or girlfriend. Everything we did was down to me. Weeks, even months, could have passed before you contacted me.

And now the spell is broken. I am bled dry of love for you.

All these years of digging for the treasure of your heart have exhausted me, left the soil dry, empty, spent. I have finally accepted that the inner and outer voices were right. Only now I ask myself why I defied them for so long, for years of my life which I will never get back; years of my life when I could have been happy with someone else.

I am finally moving on, planning a brighter future, without the second-guessing, endless waiting and pain you caused. There is someone else who cares for me, who wants me, whose heart is open. It is early yet, so the buds are only just starting to form, but I can finally smile with true hope.

YET NOW YOU TELL ME YOU LOVE ME. After all this time, all this hurt, now you tell me. It is too late. You bled me dry, used all I had for you. You say love is an infinite resource. Not so when you rip out someone’s heart and stamp on it. You cannot fix it, but someone else may have a chance to help me grow a new one. I cannot and will not go back.

I wish you well, but please do not tell me you love me.

 

6 thoughts on “Now you tell me!

  1. Your pain cries out from the page DSM and I’m so sorry for that because I am aware that while we can all feel such hurt , some are in more vulnerable positions than others and will hurt more. Its broken through occasionally in your writing in the past and although it is wrong to say it, in seems somehow more unfair in someone so talented. I know sympathy doesnt help but I do sympathise. Unrequited love is so painful and often belittled quite wrongly. And for those who think they are past it, trust me, it can happen at any age.

    All I can advise you DSM is, if you are over him, dont go back. A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots and uncaring behaviour is just that; someone who doesn’t care. If it’s any consolation it’s worse when the person does care but is sensible enough to know that to return a love would be rank foolishness for all concerned.

    Enjoy your new love and life and dont look back.

  2. Wow Lou,
    pretty judgemental there!

    I was in the same place as DSM, and it turned out my leopard was a wounded animal. With a lot of licked wounds he turned in to my pussycat and I’ve been purring with him ever since. And there’s not a spot in sight!!!

    • Hey Juicy!

      Thanks for your comment. I would say that you are possibly both right to a degree. Yes, I have been hurt and my pain has come out a lot on here – you have to feel things to write about them passionately. And if everything in my life was perfect, I probably wouldn’t have been able to write half the stuff on here.

      But it may also be true that the leopard is actually a little wounded. He has been in a lot of battles in the past which may explain why he shielded his emotions for so long. I am considering whether to help him heal.

      DSM

    • Life is all about making judgements Lucy. I’m pleased it turned out ok for you, but just as its also about making judgements , its also about playing the odds. You got lucky.

      Sounds as if DSM wants to gamble as well. Why do so many women want to play nurse with something that has sharp claws? Don’t be surprised if you get scratched badly DSM and meanwhile I guess the nice guy internet find gets dumped. What goes around comes around DSM.

      • Much as I love and appreciate your support and feedback, Lou, what appears on these pages is just a snapshot of the full picture.

        Not all is fully as it seems. We all have to rely on some instinct and trust when it comes to relationships and yes, that is a gamble, but isn’t just crossing the road a gamble? You can check it is safe to step out, there appears to be nothing coming, but still, a speeding car could come out of nowhere. The same goes for sharp-clawed creatures – they may not be as ferocious as they appear – while the cute, fluffy pussycat may also suddenly pounce.

        I may be in for something ‘coming around’ but sometimes people just have to try things, whatever the advice. You can’t tell me you have never taken any risks in your life.

        DSM x

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